I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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