Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
i now understand why vodka
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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