She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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