Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
