My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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