Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
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