Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
She has some nice fakeys. She is also an exotic entrepreneur.
After last night, I could never be a politician.
I want to walk on stilts...naked
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
Enjoy the penises
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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