OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
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