i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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