Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
