I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
Randomize
