trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
