Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Randomize
