There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Every concussion has its silver lining
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
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