did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
we dont know what were doing after yet. first up we have 90 beers and a party kit and fun hats.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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