Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
Randomize
