My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
