so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
