what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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