I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize