i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
