my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Yes, that's a picture of my balls. It isn't however an answer to my question.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
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