is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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