I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
