dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
question: masturbation: how much is too much? I think i'm about to tip toe a fine line
if someoen knew that someone accidentally drunkly kissed your boyfriend would you want them to tell you/?
followup question: what if both somones were me?
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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