Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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