woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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