I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
