i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
