I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Randomize