Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
