final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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