I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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