either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
