There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
