afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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