Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
soo... how was my night?
Randomize