we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
