I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
