it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
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