I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Just invented taco cereal.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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