On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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