i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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