If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
