i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize