there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
