Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Randomize
