OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
