Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
