how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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