trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
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