I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
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